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Welcome to our new community column where one of Tamriel's most famous (or perhaps infamous) adventuring Khajiit, Men'Do, shares stories of his travels and offers words of wisdom. In our first volume, Men'Do discusses his views on bathing, shares tips for Provisioning, and more!
Men'Do first started sharing his wisdom on the ESO Subreddit some moons ago. There were so many requests from all around Tamriel for more of the charming and enigmatic Khajiit that we were happy to oblige. (This is a fan-written column that we will publish every couple weeks on elderscrollsonline.com.)
Greetings, fellow walkers! Men'Do hopes this day treats you finely. Not too finely, for there is no adventure in easy life, yes? Speaking of such things, this one is taking tiny respite from his own journeys to answer questions (some of them even truthfully), offer advice to fellow wanderers (some of it even good), and tell stories (some of them even true!) Already the letters pour in like rain on the desert, which is to say, "Suddenly, chaotically, and all at once." Mailperson deserves really big tip for keeping them in order. Now, no more delay! Khajiit begins.
FlattedFifth asks "How come hotdogs come in packages of 10 but hotdog buns come in packages of 12?"
Hmmm ... Men'Do is unsure what this warmed dog dish is (strange Dunmer creation of Nix "Hound"?) but, fortunate for you, Khajiit is expert in all things bun! Probably there are many market forces at play here, so this one tells all.
First, are hotdog and bun created by same person? Maybe dog merchant and bunmaster work in separate shops, have different availability of ingredient, and package together in whatever fashion gives best return for them individually? Maybe they sell to general market stall worker, who passes on the savings to you? Such thoughtfulousness. Then they would never know this secret error, unless of course they go and purchase dog-in-bun themselves, but who samples their own goods? Khajiit sample their own goods. That is why it is cleverer to buy from us. Better attention to detail, no silly error!
If instead it is the same businessperson who owns both meat and bread, you think maybe they would cut special deal, even if ingredients come in different amounts and it is more efficient to make 12 bun and 10 dog? No! This greedy merchant has decided they will corner whole of the market, and uses clawless bullying tactics to force you to buy in multiples, raking in coin like the lazy kitten claws at sand. If you are caught in this situation, please to not buy in multiples, as nothing will truly be saved. It is better to find unorthodox use for spare bun than to cave to the interests of greedy merchants. Men'Do is sure you will think of something. Besides, if you did buy so many, you would never finish! Nobody can handle sixty hotdogs at once! Well, maybe some very ambitious dogmunchers, but such decadence leads only to life of shame and regret, trust this one.
nuttz207 asks "Men'Do! How are you? From your previous thread, I gathered you enjoy Sweet Tea and Moonsugar Brittle. Does this mean you are an avid Provisioner? Do you have any recommendations for the beginner Provisioner and how I may be able to start making those coveted purple recipes quicker? I find it hard to find the purple ingredients like Bevez Juice and Frost Mirriam. Thanks! I hope your new column is a success!"
You are very astute listener! Men'Do finds incredible joy in cooking, the smell of spices and sugars from many lands; these things. In fact, there are very few recipes he does not yet know!* Men'Do remembers his first recipe, the humble potato, from his homely childhood years in Skyrim (very odd place for Khajiit to be raised!) He remembers reading through Ma's recipe book, and the color-coded sacred parchments passing on secret wisdom to the aspiring cook: the spritely green pages offering simple pleasures for simple tongues; the coveted blue pages for more refined palates and subtle flavors; the eldritch, experimental horrors of the purple pages, beckoning the curious and trapping the weak in a spiral of tongue-scratching spice-fits; the pain-on-brow when Ma gave Men'Do a good smack for scratching up the book's spine and gilded edges. (This is why we do not let others borrow our recipes in civil society.) These are cherished memories!
Anywho, both of these ingredients that you mention are very rare! Bervez Juice is special import from northern Tamriel. Men'Do thought for a while that maybe the Bervez fruit liked cold, but it is rare delicacy found in Skyrim, High Rock, and Hammerfell. So probably it does not like cold, but instead likes North. Strange, strange plant, and this must be why it is so rare! So rare, probably you do not find it. Same is said of the Frost Mirriam. This one has traveled all of Skyrim and never seen a wild plant! Always instead it is hanging up, drying in rafters of the swiftest Nord herbalists and cooks, who know exactly where it grows and always get to it before Khajiit. Selfish, yes, but also very clever, so this one gives respect.
Instead of trying to find these very rare ingredients yourself, hire others to do so for you! Nothing beats a specialist in their field, so probably better this way. If you are veeeeery skilled Provisioner, your renown will inspire your hireling to give these special ingredients sometimes, maybe even twice per day! There are also special work orders posted up among many towns and cities throughout Tamriel, and these too may give grand rewards, both in special ingredients and more recipes! And what skilled Provisioner does not seek to become more skilled? You try these things and tell Men'Do how it works out, he is pretty sure you will not regret!
*(Still must get to the bottom of this "dog-and-bun" mystery.)
benjaminoliver asks "Congratulations Men'Do!
You will be happy to hear that Sir George is safe. I have turned my attention to tasting the various peoples of Nirn. During my battles in Cyrodiil alongside you, I have slain many, slicing their bodies with my fortified swords and cooking their flesh with boundless storm and flaming oils. I cannot deny the sweet smell any longer. Will you join me in this daily feast? Or will you spoil my party once again, as no one showed up to my Cochon de Lait due to your recent popularity and your sadness over the course. I imagine Sir George would enjoy the taste of Argonian as much as this Bosmer."
So many questions about food this day! Ah, if you count such things as food. Men'Do respects that friend Bosmer consumes all flesh, and truth to moons little S'George will eat near anything, and also Khajiit greatly appreciates the generous invitation ... but he does not eat this. Please to consider.
Correlon Menetieri asks "Greetings Men'Do,
I was wondering if you could discuss with me the nature of Moon-paths. I know Khajiit are bound to the Lunar Lattice and have special means to travel great distances, but the exact nature of these paths eludes me. Are they all bound to the moons? Are some paths only able to be traversed at certain times? What is the word for a Moon-path in Ta'agra? Some basic information would be much appreciated as I am binding a compendium of faster-than-horse travel in Tamriel (and beyond.)
Perhaps you could also share one of your war stories sometime as well, courageous 'Do."
Oh, certainly you are talking about the ja-Kha'jay, friend Correlon, yes? That is Ta'agra word for Lunar Lattice, but of these "moon-paths" Men'Do cannot say much! It sounds very fantastical, improbable, unbelievable! Imagine, using the moons to shunt yourself all about Nirni. Who could be trusted with such power? How dangerous for such knowledge to be given freely! You do not like danger, yes? Yes. So Men'Do does not speak of these terrible lies. For your safety.
Anywho, this is still good teachable moment, so Men'Do shall indulge you in other respects. The "paths" that Khajiit walk are tied to the moons in that all are given their form at birth based on lunar phases of blessed Jone and Jode. Friendly Moon Bishop Hunal calls these as "furstocks." (Men'Do actually likes this better than to compare us to dogs and call it as "breeds," but prefers the term "forms" himself.) Now, each kitten may develop own proclivities and interests as they age, but always their form guides their path. Those who walk on four paws like the Senche, Pahmar, and Alfiq make some of the best hunters, but each is better at hunting different things. Senche has problems sneaking up on tiny mouse, but can chew through a mammoth's neck with ease. Pahmar are great at stalking more mid-sized prey, and Alfiq at more mouse-sized. If any of them choose to be hunter, clear path lies ahead of them. But maybe they choose other vocation. Senche is great as warrior, especially fiercest as battle steed, Pahmar can make for grand assassin, and Alfiq makes for finest spy. So many nobles of the other races think that all Khajiit look the same; think nothing of taking in sweet little kitten, and so sweet little kitten thinks nothing of taking out their most elusive secrets. So now you see, Khajiit follow their paths very well!
For transport which is faster than horse, Men'Do has heard few interesting developments, but they all seem very circumstantial. Mages always have their portals, of course, but these can be quite Magicka intensive! Wayshrines always useful, but must be set up with expensive materials, long ritual, and have peculiar restrictions on use. Once saw a Bosmer try to ride a mammoth into one, play big practical joke on her friends in Velyn Harbor! Let us say the result was ... messy. Very impractical. Still makes for good joke, though. Finally, this one knows it has become popular to simply pull yourself through the stars to other destinations, but it requires complex interpersonal focal points to slingshot through the void, must take into account the birth sign friction coefficient (never try to port to a Warrior if you are a Thief), and many other problems. Still pretty helpful, but tricky to say the least. If your friend says they will meet you somewhere but they do not meet you somewhere, probably they tried this method and were less than successful. Goodbye forever!
War stories must be for another time. Too many, and not all very good.
Darlgon asks "This one wonders ... what city gave you the worst reception? And was it before or after Knahaten Flu outbreak?"
Senchal. Aaaaaaalways Senchal. Men'Do was elsewhere than Elsweyr for the Flu, so he doesn't know what it was like back then, but it ... it dances on broken legs now. Whole sections were burned to the ground, cats and all, to try to stymie the spread of infection. Men'Do is not sure this practice was ever formally stopped. Banditry, murder, all forms of subjugation, these things are the new normal, and outsiders wonder why Khajiit crawl into pipes to escape. They see the state of things and take further advantage, which is tall order for one of our biggest ports, always the launching point for colonialist ventures and Imperial busy-bodying. Now it is mostly pirates that come in, so at least all are more honest and open about what is going on.
There are those who still smile, of course, the traders and the artisans and all others who must put on a public face to survive ... but it is the weary, knowing smile like the elderly or long-sick, put on to ease the pain of trembling kittens because all are aware they will soon die. Or at the very least they hope to.
Now, maybe Men'Do's tale moves your heart, maybe you wish to come to Senchal and help. Don't. Not because it is impossible, but because this is exactly the problem! Too many paws in the coin purse, giving and taking but always stretching the opening until it bursts, and then what is the owner left with for themself? You stay out of Elsweyr, let it fix its own problems. This one is tired of foreigners thinking they know better, or that they could domesticate his people.
Zaynraya asks "What a lucky kitty. Hmph. This one asks for your view on taking a bath."
Please to do this every day. No excuses! Even base animals find ways to keep clean while out in the forests, but it is too much to put soap and water on flesh, fur, and hair? Too much to clean the teeth, coif the hair, and put on finest perfume? Too much to dress sleekly and carry yourself with appropriate level of dignity? No. This is not too much. Men'Do believes that all are beautiful on the inside, so it is special responsibility to make this true on the outside as well! Symmetry! Very important!
Okay, very good questions so far, but Men'Do must be going! So many adventures await, and this one plans to do all of them. But where does the road take him next? High Rock? Black Marsh? The tumultuous roads of Cyrodiil? We shall soon find out! Please to write more letters and Khajiit shall answer when he next has a spare moment. Until then, may you all walk on warm sands.
We hope you enjoyed the first volume of Men'Do's Travel Stories & Advice Column! If you have a question or request for advice from Men'Do, look for his threads on our official forums and the ESOTU subreddit. We'll see you in a couple weeks for the next installment!
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